The Leavings

It is a well-known fact that I am a poor transitioner. Moving back into reality from vacation or special times has always been difficult for me. After six decades I don’t expect that to change.

I did really well until I went back into the house. Liam and I stood in the driveway and waved goodbye to some of our most favorite people in the whole world. He was waving to “the girls”, his cousins Emily and Molly, and baby Alex, and I was waving to them and to my beautiful best friend/daughter. I know she’s only 200 miles away and we can phone or message constantly if we want, but every time her wheels back out of my driveway a little piece of my heart breaks off and falls into that place reserved for her alone that is so filled with love.

Inside the house by habit I started tidying up. Tossed the balls and train parts into the toy basket. Moved a few chairs back into position. Replaced the booster-book that one of the grandkids sits on at mealtime. But as I bent to pick up a stray Fruit Loop from the living room rug, the sob in my heart rose to become tears in my eyes and I had to let them spill over. I tried to reason with myself and change tears into prayers for travel safety but that didn’t stop them.

I remember the first time I cried after an Emily visit. She was only 2 but she knew I was her Grandma and she had already captured my heart. When her family drove out of the driveway I just went inside and had myself a good cry. Tears of love and joy and sadness at parting. When she was 3 I got to keep her at my house without the parents, and my tears at that parting were even more because our bond had grown. Thereafter I’ve had her and Molly at my house for Christmas and every summer for a week and those traditional tears always fall at their leaving – sometimes down my face, sometimes down Emily and Molly’s, sometimes both. Emily and I even had a special homemade heart-piece necklace that we each wore when we parted so we wouldn’t miss each other so much. I still have mine.

But in recent years leaving hasn’t always meant tears. The girls are big enough to say “Bye Grandma, see you at Christmas!” and give big hugs. I am able to wave fondly and get on with my life until the next visit. So why the tears today? Then it dawned on me. This time I wasn’t crying because I would miss my grandchildren. I would, but that wasn’t the cause of these tears. These tears were for my daughter. These tears signified not just love and respect for her awesome parenting and sadness at not having her around, but appreciation for the incredible gift I’ve been given. My gorgeous grown girl has her own life, filled with husband and children and church and friends, and yet she takes the time and trouble to pack up the kids and drive here to spend time with me. Together we feed, answer questions, change diapers, bandage bleeding knees, give baths, feed, read stories, go on excursions, work puzzles, have dance parties at bedtime, practice Bible memory verses for VBS, say our prayers, share wine-o’clock, and enjoy ordinary life. We find pockets of time to catch up, maybe a quick shopping trip, explore Trader Joe’s, always with plenty of laughter. We talk about home schooling, religion, politics, raising kids, family, husbands, our dreams and desires, and make plans for the future. These are the moments that bring a special kind of joy – you can’t buy them or force them or time them, and when they happen you don’t ever want them to end.

But end they must. School, birthday parties, doctor appointments, work and commitments demand our time. And I know what I have always known, that this crazy wonderful cycle of tears on leaving and hugs on arriving is something to cherish and not take for granted. Something to enjoy and hold onto in my heart where memories are stored. Something to thank God for. Something to put on pause when illness or children growing up or circumstances prevent. Something to let go of on earth when God chooses to call me home to heaven. Where there will be no tears of leaving, only the joy of being with Jesus and waiting for my loved ones who love Him too.